Snappy Comebacks to Stupid Insults
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People love to try to get your goat. Maybe you made a mistake, or maybe you just happen to be in someone's way. Maybe you rub them the wrong way, or maybe you rub them the right way and they don't want to admit it.
That's okay. Don't let them get to you. When somebody insults you, come back with one of my snappy answers:
- Insult: "You're a jerk!"
- Comeback: "Noun or verb?"
- Insult: "Loser!"
- Comeback: "Umpire!"
- Insult: "You have no class!"
- Comeback: "You are no teacher!"
- Insult: "Get a life."
- Comeback: "Get a death."
- Insult: "You have no friends."
- Comeback: "I have no problems."
- Insult: "You smell."
- Comeback: "You see."
- Insult: "You're a worm."
- Comeback: "You're humus."
- Insult: "Drive much?"
- Comeback: "Sorry, sir. The chauffeur was off today."
- Insult: "You're stupid."
- Comeback: "As an abstract concept?"
- Insult: "You have no idea what you're doing!"
- Comeback: "You have no idea what I'm doing, either!"
- Insult: "You don't know what you're talking about!"
- Comeback: "That's not fair. I know what you're talking about."
- Insult: "You're ridiculous!"
- Comeback: "I'm unique."
- Insult: "You're incompetent."
- Comeback: "How can you tell?"
- Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"
- Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."
- Insult: "You're a fool!"
- Comeback: "No fooling?"
- Insult: "Your writing sucks."
- Comeback: "Well, I guess you read it, eh?"
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lol - this is a really good list. Too bad my mind often goes blank when I am upset. I need ONE good line, that I can apply to any situation. Tears also seem to work well, especially with men :)
I'm thinking maybe I enjoy myself a little too much, Frieda?
Tears are great, Shiba. Shuts 'em right up.
I used to have a book from the publishers of Mad magazine when I was a kid. It was called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." I like to think it helped make me the sarcastic PITA that I am today. Ah, those influencial early years. I am concerned though about your ability to list all these insults so quickly. It must just be from overhearing them used on others I am sure.
Nice hub, I wish I had this to go with my Classy Insult hub,
Keep on Hubbing!
Insult: You're drunk
Comeback: You're ugly, but I'll be sober in the morning.
"You're a jerk" is the best one. Thumbs up
funnnny stuff -- i gotta print this and carry it with me
I think my favourite snappy comeback was my mother in law's when a really nasty guy told her to "FU*K you"
She said..."You have to have a penis to do that sir"
Now THAT deserves a medal (and if you know my mom in law you'd never BELIEVE that came out of her mouth..very propper lady who speaks the Queen's english) She had us ALL flabergasted!
Funny post Tom!
"Get a Death"... this is a cool comeback... hahahahaha!!!
I am absolutely essential! -- My dad loved to point out little facts like that. :)
I'm no good at comebacks, but I love them just the same.
Really funny comebacks! You have me smiling...
Glad you all enjoyed. After three days hard excercise (for me) I spend two days in a car with part of the fam. Oooh, I'm hurtin'.
I, too, loved Mad Magazine, Bill!
Oh, Hawkesdream, that is a classic!
Thank you, Fish! I like the noun or verb comeback best, too. It's adaptable.
Teresa! Thank you for the one-armed comment! You continue to be my hero.
Sharrie, there are so many times when the person you least expect comes back with the best of them! That's really excellent.
Thanks, Needful. I really gave myself a chuckle over that one.
Ivorven, I am no good at comebacks either, except in the virtual world!
Glad you enjoyed, Peggy!
Eovery, please post a link here to your classy insult hub!
Hehe, another of your great lists! I must try and remember these!
They're at least as fun to make as they are to read!
Good fun Tom.
LOL... a good morning laugh.. thanks
Mission accomplished! Thanks Feewee!
insult: You're a cheap a** mother fu**er...
Comeback: I'm not cheap, I'm poor... so poor, when you came in my house and dropped your cigarette, the roaches came out clapping their hands and stomping their feet, chanting thank the Lord we got heat
That's pretty awesome, Feewee!
Great Hub Tom,
Witty and classy.
You want to go out sometime?
Sorry, not drunk enough to find you attractive.
Thank you, Darrell!
Ha, ouch, Cindy. Here, have a drink...
lol, okay my break is over, back to packing...
LOL, this one is my favorite Insult: "You're incompetent."
Comeback: "How can you tell?" I will be able to use that one. :-)
Ha, I like that one, too. It's truly passive-aggressive!
Comment from a super-ego jock to the twenty-ish cocktail waitress while sitting with four friends: "[Jama], what you need is a man."
Comeback: "Do you know any?"
Super-ego's friends fell off their chairs laughing.
Until that moment, my mind always went blank when a snappy comeback was needed. After that, noooo prob. ;D
That's a good one LOL
It's so difficult to have the presence of mind to have the snappy comeback. Whenever I manage it I count it as a personal triumph.
How did I miss this one? Another great list. And so much better than - it takes one to know one!
Ha ha, or "I'm rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you." I mean, the meter doesn't even work!
"you have no friends--I have no problems" pure classic!
My personal fave:
"You have no class!"
"You are no teacher!"
insult from a man :
Nice shirt, does it come in men sizes ?
Why ? looking for a present for your boyfriend ?
snigger, snigger... some good ones here Tom ~ thanks!
Lol! you're brilliant.
it really helped me to read your list
Right, if someone ever calls you a bitch, reply saying
"A bitch is a dog, dogs bark, bark is on trees, trees are a part of nature and nature is BEAUTIFUL, so thanks"
Works everytime ;D
That's some good stuff!
haha freaking awesome nice one :)
thos are dumb, There are some stupid people in this world. You just helped me realize your like that with coming up with retarded come backs
Here are a few of my own favs!
1. I'm busy, can I ignore you some other time?
2. Shock me, say something intellengent (or keep talking, you might say something intellenget one day!)
3. Hello there! Did somebody leave your cage door open?
4. I'd call you an idiiot, but that'd be an insult to all stupid people.
5. Hi! I'm a human, what are you?
6. Can I ask you a question? (Suuure...) As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
7. Are you always this arigent (stupid, mean, annoying, ect.) or are you making a speicl effort today??
8. I do whatever my rice kryspcs tell me to do...
9. I refuse to have a battle of wits with the un-armed!
10. You're just jealous because the vioces are talking to me
11. I'll try to be nicer when you try to be smarter!
12. I see you've set aside that specil time to annoy me (or humliate yourself in public, lol!)
13. He deosn't know the meaning of fear... but then again he doesn't know the meani ng of a lot of words...
I really hope this helps! Also, I make falsh cards to help me remember them, seriosly! Now everyone thinks I'm quick and witty!
Krissie
Precious. Truly precious. Thank you.
This will help me
do you mind if i post those comebacks on fb? coz i'd love 2! and i am.. so.. if you don;t.. urm.. sozzy. i'll post ur name soo you can get the watcha ma call it... the.... the.... the... well. people know its u. :D
Personally I think saying "So's Your Face" after any direct insult like "You're ugly.", is pretty effective.
Something could help you, MW? JK.
Post all ya want, Tinklebell.
"So's your mom" works good too, unless you're disrespecting a sibling. Then it is mechanically unsound.
Okay these are so funny ! Can i post them too ?
What i tent to use is 'save your breath, you'll need it to blow up your date'
lol x
Sure, Jmame. If you link back to the original I would appreciate it. :)
I found you by pushing the 'suggest links' button. You're now linked from my own hub named "Become Quick-witted Overnight."
The "Suggest Link" tool is a handy one. Thank you!
•Insult: "You're an a**h*le!"
•Comeback: "That's right. I am absolutely essential."
I wish I didn't have to admit that this one will come in handy for me on numerous occasions. Great hub.
Beats getting angry. Anyway it's good to be controversial! Thank you
insult: your ugly
comeback: quit talking to yourself.
I resemble that remark.
Good one!
How about one for "Wrong......again"? and it's coming from a holy roller
That's an easy one.
"No... still."
My 2 favorite come backs:
1. "You are so stupid"
"Well unlike you, atleast I have a brain"
2. "Your fat"
"Well when you go near the ocean the whales start singing 'We are family'"
Hey, I've got competition. :)
very funny jokes fav 1 is i'm busy can i ignore you some other time?
Thank you! That's a good one
haha these are awesome!
No! YOU are!
Thank you :)
dear Tom..
what'd be the comeback of Insult: aggressive ....?
That's an easy one.
Insult: "You're so aggressive!"
Comeback: "Shut up and get out of my way!"
you'r mum is a poopy-bum-head
YOU'R MUM
you remind me of that fat italian guy from kick-ass
i think you'r mistaken, i am the fat italian guy from kick-ass
whats the diffrence between your mum and a killer whale?
about 20 pounds!
Nice material, Hugh J'. I'll have to use the next time I'm alone. :D
*giggles* I'm gonna marry this Tom guy.. Jkayss.
Too funny, too funny :)
Me and my sister have little comeback wars all the time, to keep us sharp for a real life incident. Unfortunately, until recently, all we had were lame animal comments. For example, my sister has a hook-ish kind of nose, so I would respond to her ugly comments by calling her a toucan. It worked for a while, but then got old. . . She broke the pattern by looking up "How to make witty remarks" so now im making a list of good one I hear and find. This list went right on it, Thanks so much! and PS, these are a few I found someone might be able to use.
Well theres a clever answer
"Well, I'm now thoroughly convinced of your ignorance in the matter."
do you want to lie down? You look stressed. . .
Sorry I can't think of an insult stupid enough for you.
Let's see, I've walked the dog, cleaned my room, gone shopping and gossiped with my friends...Nope, this list doesn't say that I'm required to talk to you.(good with a sibling or family)
Earth is full. Go home.
Cancel my subscriptions ... I'm tired of your issues.
I am not anti-social..I just don't like you
“We are so alike in some ways, aren’t we?” (This witty comeback is particularly effective if someone has made an insulting remark about your weight.)
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll only take 10 seconds.
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
sorry for the long post!
You and your sister have a special relationship. I have that with my younger sister, too. We love to laugh. Now, since we are more than a thousand miles apart, we perhaps laugh less - which is too bad by any standard, I think.
My favorite of the ones you shared: "Earth is full. Go home." :)
I love what you wrote it makes me want to insult ppl more lol jk jk
Dont you hate when someone says your mom all the time heres a comeback"My mom is a nune she told me she saw yours on a couner on the street she tried to help her but thy wasnt enough change to do it."
That's pretty funny, funnygirl. The moms game usually ends up vile, so I usually stick out my lower lip and say, "You know, I never had a mom." That usually shuts them down.
Me and my uncle have always had comeback wars since I was old enough to talk, my family have always said i'm to smart for my own good a few i use fit for any occasion:
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
You! Off my planet!
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
Do I look like a people person to you?
Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........
Who crapped in your cornflakes?
I could say nice things about you, but I would rather tell the truth.
When did you decide i cared about your opiniun?
I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of crap.
Go jump off the world
I have loads more but its hard to think of neutral jokes:L
Very nice. I'll have to dump these - excuse me, I mean add these to my collection :)
Thank you!
yeah i usually do that too but i have alot of jokes but barely any mama jokes so i coming up with them
lol this is hilarious!!! how do you come up with these?
and the a$$hol3 one is perfect!!!! thx sooo much!
(my sister always calls me that and i dunno wut to say so i just ignore)
once again thx :)
Thank you, I am so glad you enjoyed! A good comeback can make your antagonist think. Oooh, they hate that. :)
what if someone is laughing at you??
The best comeback is to look at them tolerantly as if they are a two year old. The second best comeback is to laugh at them laughing at you. The third best comeback is to say, "Yay! My comedy routine is a hit!"
Friend was given credit to this.
Person: blahblahblah so this happened and blahblah I wasn't able to make it in time blahblah (excuses excuses)
You: *sneeze/cough* I'm sorry, I'm just allergic to BULLSHIT! :b
I think I was talking and then someone used that one on me! Thank you, Cookies!
Anytime.
what if someone calls you short?
Office fun... Can you close my door and be on the other side of it...
Short? I'm sorry. Would you like to help me be longer?
Can I close your door? I don't know. Sounds complicated.
See,this is the situation-
ME(To one of my friend's compliment to my pic ,which is :Well, i'm not surprised)--Aren't you kind?...:)
Other annoying friend of mine := Yes,she is!
What do you think my comeback should be Tom?
P.S-I'm thinking of replying with this-'I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.'
I want something better.
I would probably say something like, "Yes, she is really, really kind. She actually found something nice to say about you one time, I think."
My friend uses this comeback on me when I stick my young out at her she says no thanks I use toilet paper how do I counter that
Soo sorry I meant to say tongue the phone corrected me
My Grandfather wanted to get married once more and most of my family members were against it. The conversation goes like this:
I would say: "Well, age is nothing but a number..."
My smartass brother: "Yeah in granpa's case, a big, big number."
Then Grandpa comes and shocks everyone, "Well woman did always prefer it big..."
And then another time when my colleague though it funny to pull me down in front of a group of girls.
"Hey J, I seen apes with more pretty arses than your face."
I would reply, "I'm glad you attended your family reunion!"
That day went pretty smoothly afterwards...
Hi Ashley, I guess I would look really disappointed and say, "Aw, darn. Are you sure?"
Nice. Quick wit, there, JT! :)
Oh My Gosh! this is Histerical! It is awesom. I love this damn website.
It has drawn a crowd. Thanks for stopping by, Sachini!
Are you trying to be an [idiot, a$$h0!e, jerk] or does it come naturally?
Great hub and comments!
Thank you, and a good one, too!
But I would retort, "Yes. How am I doing?" :)
SO good. taking negative and making them look foolish by being clever and positive :) loved it
Wait! I can be as negative as the next guy! JK. :)
haha such a joker
Seriously. :)
hood advice i used all ready on my brothers
... and lived to tell the tale! Fantastic. :)
I get all my comebacks from my dad such as " just shut up and leave me alone." and then I just walk away. If that just doesn't work, I'd say" hey I'd would like to go back and forth like this, but I'd be wasting time."
To your first response I would reply, "If I leave you alone, how will you know if I shut up or not?"
To your second response I would say, "But how do you manage to play ping-pong?"
Otherwise I would say your responses would be very effective ;)
gutum yiyin
Frieda Babbley Level 2 Commenter 3 years ago
"You're a worm" "You're hummus"
Hysterically grand! Great list.